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“Life is nothing but the occasional burst of laughter rising above the interminable wail of grief.” - I’m a sap for weird love stories.
Guide to Happiness #21
Spend some time alone.
I think that’s exactly what I’ll be doing every Sunday evening.
Spend a couple hours alone, with myself, in silence.
Ok, so I’m not exactly alone. Have been spending the evening with Robin Sharma again. Reading “The Monk…”, again. Hoping to get a whiff of “satori” (instant awakening) for myself.It’s been hellauva week, with a helluva work load. I’ve been keeping myself busy so I didn’t think about myself that much, then weekend came. I’m training to discipline myself lately. Starting with coming early to work. They say it takes 21 days for a constant stream of activity to develop into a discipline. I have 16 days to go. I knowwww…Old Habits Die Hard. I just havta simply install these new habits into myself.
The monk said, ” The only way to permanently install a new habit is to direct so much energy toward it that the old one slips away like an unwelcome house guest.”Been thinking a lot about what Minn told me last night.“Don’t pretend to be positive just because you want others to believe that you are not hurting,” she said.Minn believes that I’ve become a bitter, sarcastic meanie. I don’t blame her. I even believe her. Only one thing though, I don’t think it’s wrong to force myself to improve. I just need to do it for me, and not for others. That’s all…It’s wrong to succumb to bitterness. I guess I’ve embraced this bitterness so lovingly into my arms that others have begun to see me differently under its light. I hate what I’ve become. I hate the path that I chose. I hate that I chose the path of bitterness and selfishness after all of this. I hate the fact that this selfishness has made me no better than them.
I better change lanes ASAP, man!
Ms Carebear told me that I need to identify my pain so I can overcome it. And to identify my pain, I have to experience it. I have to feel it. I can’t run away from it.So I made this goal for my life.
Today. I’m taking the higher road.I don’t want my old self back. I want to leave the person I was, especially the person I am now. I want to be better.
(Dr Burke from Grey’s Anatomy gave this GREAT speech to Christina today about being a better person.) I want to erase my animosity and these negative feelings and I’m going to start anew with myself. Yup. I chose me. That’s my choice.
Burke: That was a long time ago. A lot has happened since then.
Cristina: But you’re still that guy. You’re the guy the chief chose.
Burke: No I’m not. I’m not that guy, Cristina, and I wouldn’t want to be. I wanna be better than that. I like to believe that I’ve grown. I wanna move forward, I’m not interested in going back.
My mantra;
I am more than I appear to be;
All the universe’s strength and power rests in me.
What I believe, I will achieve.
On a lighter note;Went to see Ratatouille. Pixar has done it again!
Loved the movie even though I hate rats!
Still hate rats. They give me the heebie jeebies.
Euch.
From the Qur’an
{Who say, when afflicted with calamity: “To Allah we belong, and to Him is our return” .} 2.156
It’s when we face the death of others do we often question our own mortality…Questions we ask ourselves like;
If I were to die today, will there be tears shed for me?
If I were to die, will I regret the mistakes I made, the words left unspoken, the deeds left undone?
If I were to die, will I really see my father in the after world?
Will I really hear Azrael speaking to me when the time comes?
Have I done enough to deserve the heavens or do I belong in the depths of hell?
Ouh man. Isn’t weird that when when we recite that verse from Al-Baqarah (ie Innalillah…), we only think of death. I mean, calamity is general, right? Let’s check out that word…
ca·lam·i·ty //kuh-lam-i-tee//–noun, plural -ties.
1. a great misfortune or disaster, as a flood or serious injury.
2. grievous affliction; adversity; misery: the calamity of war. So it means disaster. Doesn’t directly mean death, don’t it?
Kesian Khalid.
I guess I can relate to the pain of losing someone so suddenly the way he lost his sister a couple of hours ago. And road accidents are never pretty. I bet he was close to her. I bet he really loved her, even though they might fight all the time. I bet he’s regretting the fact that the last words that he spoke to her was not “I love you”, I bet he believes that he’ll never get over this grief. How I wish I could tell him otherwise, tell him to get over it, tell him not to be too stricken with grief and think about his other responsibilities…
Shafeera just called.
My cousin just gave birth to a baby boy. I’m overwhelmed with the thought of how life finds a way to balance itself, to make neutral the world. Khalid’s sister just passed away, and almost at the same time, my cousin gave birth to another life. Just like night and day, darkness and light, life and death found it’s way to teach me a lesson in life.
That it’s ok to accept hurt cause {“Verily, with every difficulty there is relief”.} 94:5/6
*Reena needs to get over her mandom-ness for today… 
(fakes smile)
I love days like these.
I love Sundays where I get to spend time alone with just my thoughts, sipping apple tea, and watching John Mclane on DVD doing his thang.Outside the little window of my little house I see our little belimbing assam tree billowing in the wind. I realized that that particular tree has been with my family for years now. Ever since I was a kid living on Jujur 1/1 has that tree been standing sturdy, bearing its fruits for us and the neighbors.On the topic of trees, had supper with Farouk last Friday. It’s been a while since we hung out, so there was a lot to talk about. Our conversation transcended from meaningless banter to tree talks to relationships to exploring our weaknesses and discovering ourselves as well as the things what we wanted in life.Now, what about those trees?
There’s actually so much we can learn from their existence. Their humbleness, their survival skills and most importantly, their significance in the chain of life. Well, without them we’d all be dead, wouldn’t we?I envy those trees. They know exactly who they are and they know exactly why they are put on God’s earth. To relate, their roots are like the knowledge which keeps us grounded, our seed of belief. And how strong we stand in the end, how successful we bear our fruits, are what defines us as human beings. That’s how we should be measured. Whether we’re coconut trees or whether we’re a bunch of taugehs. Hehe.There is still a lot that we have to learn about ourselves. From where I see it, there’s only 2 ways for us to do it.
The hard way or the simple way.
There is a difference between simplifying things and making things easy. You don’t change the original standard of the things that you simplify but when you make things easy, you skip the learning process, headbutt the target, and compromise the value of that which you were protecting in the first place. Hence comes the importance of the evaluation process before taking any actions. Am I making sense?It is more rewarding when we learn these life lessons the hard way, (although more painful) but thruthfully, it wouldn’t be the same.
The hard way differentiates what’s right and wrong for me, substantiates the ethics of my relationship with the people around me, and helps me identify my weaknesses. On this road of self discovery I’ve learned that my level of comprehension is usually slow, but the results are usually more meaningful.
Example; it takes me a while to grasp certain concept of things, such as responbilities. But when I do come around to understanding them, my faith gets stronger with each lesson learned and each knowledge gained. Or, when I have feelings for someone, the feeling usually grows over time, and as the time passes, I know that what I felt was the real deal. So even when a relationship did not work out the way I wanted it to be, now I know that exact feeling of certainty. That strong, decisive, decision when I believe, “Yes. That is what I want!”
“Make Bold Moves”, Robin Sharma said.
A concept which I’m planting firm in my head whenever I deal with things I fear in the future.I don’t want to change the way I learn things.
Slow and steady, baby.
Slow, and meaningful.
Spent Saturday night at Intan’s. A bunch of us got together and threw her a surprise birthday party.
Happy birthday Intan. Love you gurl! Received this sms from Intan@2.26 am on 12 August 2007:
”Rena tq for d party n spegeti sgt sedap. Luv u so much”
You meet different people every day and they inspire you in different ways.
Some of them inspire you with their actions. Like when someone aspires you with their success.
Some with their words. Like when your perspective changes over a teh tarik session.
And the strongest of them, with their love.
Nite.
He said he envied my strength.
Did I mention that it’s hard for me to trust someone once that trust band is broken?
I wished I believed in his sincerity.Nonetheless, that statement made me analyze whether I really was as strong as he supposedly perceive me to be.
Is it hypocritical of us to do something which others perceive as being strong, when your actions were merely means or just buys you the time from your next sob session?That space between that we create in hope to keep safe from the pain.I know where my courage come from.
It comes from the words of God, it comes from my friends, it comes from the connection that I have/feel for my responsibilities, it comes from knowing that I’m learning as much as I can from pain and though it hurts, as Yamin recently reminded me… Pain is pleasure. She was, of course talking about the pain of smacking me in the butt with an iron rod. 
Courage was what allowed me to do the things I wanted to do because I know it is right. Right for me. And courage was what allowed me to make this tough decision. A decision to keep things at a distance until the time is right. And even if my decision might be unfair to others, even if it is a mistake, it is purely mine to live with. I hope you guys can understand that.And sorry if I confused anyone.
Love is much trickier than rocket science. I guess I got confused myself…
